Christmas Presents you Really Want… and Some You Really Don’t!

It’s that time once again when Labor Day is over and the Christmas songs start playing in every store as corporations try to figure out how to make Black Friday a daily event for the three months preceding the actual date of Christmas. With the loss of Christmas decorated Hostess Snowballs and Twinkies, there are more things we desire for presents and more items we hope we won’t get or at least can return or regift. The stores are packed with all sorts of goodies but the best stuff is always online. From weird sites to ebay, one can show special thought with out of the ordinary gifts when frankincense and myrrh  just don’t say, “I really did give you some thought because I care.”

Action figures are always a great present, even this oddity, released along with the 1990 Dick Tracy film, it came in a box printed with the phrase “ignorant bum… you’ll smell him before you see him.” With his garbage can lid, broken board and large knife, it’s just like a fun ride on the subway!

Hours of fun are to be had with the 2001 monolith action figure. Someone in a Chinese factory asked what they could do with 300 waste pieces cut from the end of entertainment centers for Ikea. A little brainstorming and BINGO! A profitable toy line.

Maybe you can find this on ebay but it can’t be shipped with the radioactive samples of actual U-238. Now you can become a nuclear scientist… that glows in the dark!

Even nuclear scientists get boo-boos in the lab, so turn to Abe Lincoln, known as “the great healer.” Honest Abe, will I survive this horrid gash?

The next best thing to transparent band-aids (which are available in most retail stores) is a glimpse of your suffering, although I don’t know who gets a cut and eyes start to grow from the wound… except my cousin, Squinky Schneider and that was from playing with his Gilbert Atomic Energy Lab Kit.

Nothing says fun like having to scoop poop as with this delightful foreign game, “Doggy Doo!” A million people do the same thing two and three times a day in New York City with their dogs but they don’t seem to be enjoying the game.

The Shat Hat is guaranteed to make you the life of the potty… er, party as people throw soft donies at your skull, hoping the velcro will help them stick to your cap. One hopes it’s the soft poops that are included and not… well, let’s not think about that possibility in our sick society.

Almost as bad, the Dr. Who Tardis Laplander cap will surely make you the time lord of loving nicknames like “Retardis” when you walk into school or the office. Who needs women when you can show your love for Dr. Who and be happy living in your parent’s basement forever and ever and ever.

Who knows how you will live long and prosper with the Spock Hoodie complete with Chinese hairstyle and Vulcan ears. Wear this and you’ll be going “Sulu” to the prom this year!

I don’t remember anyone on the Enterprise wearing a robe. Ripped shirts, going topless and wearing sparkly dress uniforms but never a bathrobe. Come to think of it, I don’t remember ever seeing a shower or toilet, either.

Who knew that Yoda had a Rebel Alliance tattoo on his chest? Well, wear this and talk like a Canadian you will be doing. I prefer speaking like Yoda in Episode five when he was really old and insane.

But before you don your robe, step into the shower with this Spongebob Groom & Go. Even kids can practice shaving… and “manscaping” with the fake razor. Gentle around the “puffer fish” there, boys! I wonder why Patrick looks so shocked at the label “Sham POO?” Did he expect “real poo?”

There’s just those times when you need an emergency moustache. Unfortunately, they are usually just after you committed a crime and need a getaway disguise.

The Batstache… when your upper lip wants… JUSTICE!

Nothing says fun more than a rousing game of Russian Roulette. Remember the fun scene in The Deer Hunter? Kids can smack their little temples in with a powerful blast or insert your finger into the “shocking” game that’s fun for the entire family… except grandpa, who will short out his pacemaker. For those randy bachelor parties, use something besides your finger for real laughs and scarring memories!

Decisions, decisions! Sucking on a flavored Jar Jar Binks tongue or playing a Nazi board game? Maybe it’s back to the Russian Roulette games instead!

Speider Schneider

Speider Schneider is a former member of The Usual Gang of Idiots at MAD Magazine and has designed products for Disney/Pixar, Warner Bros., Harley-Davidson, ESPN, Mattel, DC and Marvel Comics, Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon among other notable companies. Speider is a former member of the board for the Graphic Artists Guild, co-chair of the GAG Professional Practices Committee and a former board member of the Society of Illustrators. Follow him on Twitter @speider

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