The Weirdest Books in the World (NSFW)

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The last literary journey, “Terrible, Horrible, Ghastly Book Cover Art” (NSFW) was so well received, which makes us worry about the state of reading and/or publishing, we decided to give you more!

How-to Books

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How to poo on a date? We guess the first thing is to tie your date down to the bed. In this amazing collection, you can increase your knowledge, such as how NOT to spell the word, “disappear” and I’m not sure why we would teach a dog physics, unless it helps him use the toilet like we do… most of the time.

We disagree with Pig Pen Publishing, however, and think it’s COOL that takes practice. We are ALL awesome inside… except for horses, who apparently explode at inappropriate times. There is also no possible way to survive a garden gnome attack. They wield little wheel barrows, donkeys and pink flamingos.

Teach Your Wife Books

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If you teach your wife how to be a widow, then should you give her tips on having an affair while you’re playing golf? I’m sure there’s a book for that! The “Radiation” referred to on one cover is actually a brand name and mom has not mutated her chromosomes making dinner for her X-men children. I suppose teaching your wife to knit you Prince Charles’ uniform is good for bedroom play, but you’ll never even get a second date if your first one costs a dollar. Yes, you’d be a big spender if this was 1862 but one dollar today won’t even buy a condom, so your date may end up costing you more!

Hobbies That Torture Pets Books

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The book covers speak for themselves. The same people who buy these books are the ones who scream the loudest about “animal rights.”

 General Interest Books

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Oh, please! Anyone who owns a cat knows that the devil speaks through cats. In fact, it was probably cats that forced the creation of a book on not being able to go into one’s own kitchen. It is possible to cook meals by placing them wrapped in aluminum foil upon your car engine (it is true!) but you have to pull over every time you wan’t to turn something or basting it. Maybe THAT’s the lull before dorking?

And the prize for the book with the longest title ever goes to…

All images are ©assorted publishers who probably appreciate having these shown to people and won’t sue.

Speider Schneider

Speider Schneider is a former member of The Usual Gang of Idiots at MAD Magazine and has designed products for Disney/Pixar, Warner Bros., Harley-Davidson, ESPN, Mattel, DC and Marvel Comics, Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon among other notable companies. Speider is a former member of the board for the Graphic Artists Guild, co-chair of the GAG Professional Practices Committee and a former board member of the Society of Illustrators. Follow him on Twitter @speider

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